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Love

Lordy, where do I start.

Have been feeling a little down in the dumps today for some reason. Maybe it’s the lack of wine. Or pre-PMS. Or maybe it’s because the weather here is so damned dreary.

Awkward Positions

There’s also this little situation of unrequited love. Ok, I’m being a bit melodramatic, but yeah there’s this guy that I’ve been crushing on since I got here (he’s actually my fitness instructor…), and there’s a whole saga that I’m not going to go into (let’s just say that it was pretty, um, clear when he was helping me with my form that he’s also, um, shall we say “interested” in me…ok that sounds like he groped me. He didn’t grope me, but he definitely…reacted to me). The only issue is that the man has got to be in his forties (and I’m in my mid-twenties) so I imagine that he’s trying to avoid a sexual harassment suit. Which is the reason I’m giving for his not having asked me out (also the possibility that he is married). But it could also be these damned Scotsmen and their damned humility. People don’t have confidence here like we Americans do. In some ways it’s refreshing, but in others it’s just damned frustrating.

In any case, I’d do the deed myself but whenever I develop a crush on somebody I can’t manage to string two words together to form any kind of coherent sentence around them. It’s a curse, I know (and is more or less the true root of all my love problems). So yes, silent suffering. There is a gathering this weekend for our fitness group at a restaurant where we shall likely all converse and be normal people, so maybe that will be good, but maybe he won’t be there, I don’t know. In any case, I’ve done the other thing I often do in these drawn out situations: I’ve kind of gotten over it. That’s the worst. A situation arises that I might actually be able to take advantage of, but I’ve already given up hope on the man, and my attraction to him has started to wane. Oh well.

Art Projected

Then there’s this art thing that I participated in way back a few months ago and sort of did a half-assed job on. And it was for this really awesome dude that I totally respect and admire and if he were even slightly interested in me I’d totally have his babies, but he’s not, boo hoo. Anyway, he finished the art thing and sent out emails today to everyone involved in it, and of course it made my heart leap and I’m all missing home now. Goddammit.

That College Couple

He pissed the hell out of me in my freshman literature class by playing devil’s advocate and asking ridiculous questions. I don’t remember how we started talking. I think he bet me I wouldn’t do something. One way or another, we ended up having a long argument/flirtatious conversation via Facebook Wall (back in the good old days of FB) which ended in me going bowling with him and his friends, then smoking pot in the back of his friend’s car as we drove back to our preppy university.

We spent a couple blissful months together during the rest of the semester, culminating with me visiting him in Boston over the summer holiday. At first, things were fine. But then somewhere along the way we hit a kink. I think it was because of the pot. I was a goody two-shoes in high school and didn’t really party much in college, either. So when I set myself against his pot smoking (as any stubborn, innocent 19 year old would), it became a big point of contention between us.

Oh right, there was that

Oh yeah, I also lost my virginity. He was sweet about it, but pretty insistent, and looking back, I felt too rushed. When we were back at school, I tried to tell him I wanted to slow down, but he didn’t understand and became defensive. We had a huge argument about it and never really recovered. Being a 19 year old with very few sexual experiences, I didn’t know if I was being reasonable. And no one wanted to talk to me about it. My own boyfriend didn’t want to discuss it, why would anyone else? So I just accepted the status quo, and went back to him. But I was pretty miserable.

The following semester, he went abroad. And was dumb enough (or maybe egotistical enough) to post some of his sexual experiences while abroad in a public facebook group that was meant for his friends, but was not difficult for me to find. We had discussed how things would be when he went abroad and had concluded non-exclusivity (or I should say he concluded non-exclusivity).

Regretting non-action

I wish I had taken advantage of that semester at school without him. There was a guy that I had some interest in, who expressed mutual interest, but I passed over him because I was waiting for my ex to return. I did keep up a somewhat more-than-friendly relationship with that guy for a couple of years, though. It was a rather poetic relationship – mostly we just shared notes and letters and poems with each other, but it was never physical. Too bad he lives on the other side of the country now.

I had originally planned to go abroad in the Spring semester when my friends were going, but I decided at the last minute to go in the Fall so I could “get it over with” and be back at school with a year to spend with my boyfriend.

When I returned in the Spring, we hung out a couple of times (and hooked up, too), before it came out that he’d been hooking up with this other girl. I felt so humiliated and angry. I felt like I’d wasted my time waiting for him. I wished I’d stayed in France for the full year like I’d wanted to, instead of returning for his sake. I cried angry, frustrated tears more times than I care to remember. I completely distanced him, and hated him, and vowed never to go back to him.

First loves always take the longest to get over

I spent nearly 3 years getting over him. Even after I’d had another fantastic relationship that ended only because of graduation, he still affected me. Of course, I saw him once or twice since our “official break up” (in quotation marks because he claimed we’d only dated 6 months, which I understand why, but if you have no intention toward someone, why the constant correspondence? Why hook up with me when I returned?)

But the summer after I graduated (he was a year ahead of me, and our “official break up” was second semester my junior year), he sent me a long email. His grandfather had just passed away, and he’d just broken up with his girlfriend. We had gotten to a point where we were friendly with each other, but I still harbored so much anger and sadness towards him. For a while, he would correspond with me in some way approximately every 6 months. It was as if that was all he could take not hearing from me.

Then I went to Canada.

I spent a year there, and when I left, I drove around the northeast some to tour through the states I’d never seen. When I stopped in Boston, I almost didn’t contact him. I came back to my hostel slightly drunk (ok, pretty drunk) on my last night there, and I sent him a Facebook message to let him know I was in town (oh Facebook). He suggested we have lunch the next day.

A strange warmth

I got a little lost trying to find him (he was at work, so I had to pick him up on his lunch break), so when we finally made it to the deli, he couldn’t stay very long. But we made conversation easily, and I I sensed some regret – on both sides. At this point he had a steady girlfriend who seemed like a very good match for him. I had no plans to cause any kind of rift. For me, seeing him was like finally closing the book. I don’t know if our lunch did that for him. It was clear he felt some guilt about our relationship and its outcome, however, as he made an indirect apology for his conduct. I accepted it readily; it made closure so much easier for me.

When we parted, it was raining, so we were close under my tiny umbrella. We hugged, and there was a warmth there that I hadn’t expected. There was a sense of many things unsaid – not just then, but throughout the past as well. But it was what it had to be, and I have done my best to put him from my mind since then.

The news

But when I read the news today, my stomach dropped, and my heart pounded uncomfortably in my chest. I was so afraid for him. He was a fitness buff, so I knew he’d be running in the marathon, and he’d always been the type to take unnecessary risks for the thrill of it. I was terrified he’d have put himself in harm’s way.

A quick glance at his Facebook wall (oh Facebook) told me he was safe and sound. I breathed a sigh of relief, not realizing I’d been holding it in. But suddenly my eyes filled with tears. Why was I so upset? I know I still hold a place for him in my heart, but I don’t know if I realized the depth of my feeling until he was in potential danger. I truly had put our past to rest in my heart after our lunch. He had apologized, and I had forgiven him. And I have moved on. But have I really? I don’t even know what to think anymore.

Round 1: J takes me to a great sushi restaurant downtown

This is a point in his favor.

Points against him:

  1. he’s never had mochi ice cream.
    – what self-respecting Japanophile has never had mochi ice cream!? Especially when you’ve actually been to Japan? He’s also never had Bubble Tea (*gasp*).
  2. he’s never been to a fro-yo bar. 
    – what’s the deal with all these guys who have never been to fro-yo bars? Is this just a chic thing? Seriously, guys, get it together.

And we talked about his job…

I thought J had a “top secret” job that he couldn’t talk about. Which was kinda cool. No really, it was cool. Then we sit down to dinner and practically the first thing we talk about is his job. And, btw, his job is to basically track down and talk to high-profile persons without seeming suspicious. For someone who has to make conversation for a living, you’d think he’d be easier to talk to.

I almost went home after dinner

Then he invited me to this great bar that has a mini arcade inside. I love video games, so I was intrigued and agreed to walk a block away to this other bar for some arcade-style Tekken. Maybe even a little guitar hero.

He suggests pool

As you all know, I spent the afternoon playing pool with Gryffindor, so I was not super keen on playing again. But he told me that a couple weeks beforehand, he’d schooled some kids at a beach bar. Alright. Show me whatcha got.

He was one of the worst pool players I’ve ever encountered

He didn’t even know how to properly rack the balls. I mean really. And you call yourself a secret agent. Lies, all lies! And I would chalk it up to him using his special people-reading skills to decide to let me win, but then I realized that if he could read me well at all he’d know not to insult people who like to play video games (ie me). It just amazes me that they let people like him into the special forces in the military.

“Should I walk you to your car?”

He asked if he should walk me to my car. I had parked a few blocks away on purpose. I politely refused, hugged him and went on my way. See ya never, Jimmm.

Guys just beg to be rejected twice

I sent him a polite email saying that I thought he was a nice guy, but that I just didn’t feel a spark. He responded thusly:

“You where very attractive and I enjoyed talking to you. I was kind of feeling you out last night. If you would like to try another date or hang out, I would like to do that.”

Funny how some guys just can’t accept rejection however polite. So I sent him a second rejection note. He seemed to get it after that.

The Verdict

I found Jimmm to be somewhat attractive, though a little on the short side (my height or an inch or so shorter). But his jock side seems to have overwhelmed any other cool personality trait he might have developed. During one conversation, he informed me that one of his friends was a serious hippie, and that he respected him even though (his voice reduced to a whisper) he “thought he might be into dudes”. Dude. What does that have to do with the amount of respect you have for a person?

On a Scale of 1-10

Common Values: 2

Common Interests: 3

Sense of Humor: 4

Attraction: 6

Total: 15/40

Remaining Players

  • Gryffindor
  • Jimmm
  • Milwaukee
  • Brown Trout
  • Sailboat
  • Mr. Ordinary
  • JonnyBoy
  • Cars, Guns, and Horses
  • Brusselsprouts
  • Hapkido
  • PunkRock
  • Canada
  • Mr. Fun & Caring

Next up: Milwaukee on a fancy-schmancy wine date. We get to discover what he’s really looking for.

Sadness is an emotion I have no use for. It’s the unfortunate by-product of working too much and sleeping too little. Being sexually frustrated also doesn’t help. Nor does listening to Jewel.

The worst part about my job is that a lot of it is spent driving places or waiting on things…i.e. I have a lot of time to dwell on things that should really be stowed away somewhere for a rainy day. Or for never. And because of my current singular situation (I guess I should be used to it by now) I end up thinking about all the instances where my confidence failed me, and I didn’t say or do something I wanted to, and all I can do now is wonder what would have happened if I had done something different.

The perfect couple

So this past week, my roommate’s girlfriend visited. They’re the kind of couple that you don’t mind hanging out with. They don’t make you feel like a third wheel. They’re funny and engaging, and they’re not obnoxiously touchy-feely with each other. But every now and then, they’d share a glance or a smile, and I’d get a look at their incredibly true relationship and feel this pang of jealousy. You could practically touch the love between the two of them.

Hard questions

It’s hard not to be whiny and ask (to whom I have no idea), “When’s my turn? When will I find someone with whom I can share a similar bond? Will he just appear out of nowhere, like a wraith, or do I have to actively search for him? And what about the time in between? What about my libido? Should I just sleep around? (and how does one go about doing that by the way?) Should I be chaste? (and how does one go about doing that by the way?)”.

Course, there’s no escaping happy couples. They’re everywhere. They’re sharing a quick kiss at the stoplight in the car in front of me, or holding hands walking down the sidewalk downtown. They’re my parents, who still flirt playfully with each other after 35 years of marriage. They’re my two married sisters and my brother who just celebrated one year dating his girlfriend.

So then comes the next set of questions: “What’s wrong with me? Am I too picky? Am I too stand-offish? Am I intimidating?” Or maybe I’m just shooting myself in the foot with my inability to communicate my interest to guys and my natural inclination to hide any evidence of my preference.

So what now?

Should I just get in my car and track down every guy I’ve ever had a crush on and didn’t say something to? Or should I continue my search here in town (on a 6-day week work schedule)? Maybe I should buy myself a better vibrator. Or just stop listening to sad love songs. Maybe if I concentrate hard enough, my dream guy will just appear on my door step in a brown paper package tied up with string. But I suppose in the meantime, I’m going to look into buying a better vibrator.

So. Welcome to my brand new blog.

Please pardon me for a minute as I take five to come to terms with the realization that my favorite celebrity crush, David Tennant, is married with two kids. As of December 30th 2011.

I guess you could say that ship has sailed (or shall we say that TARDIS). But enough about David Tennant.

BLOG

I am starting this blog as an attempt to make sense of my love life (or lack thereof) and to provide some inspiration and funny stories for the folks at home. You see, I am a single 20-something female college graduate who is physically fit and living in a hip coastal town. There’s no reason I shouldn’t be dating the heck out of this place, right? I mean, it’s that time in my life. To go out there and experience a bunch of shit.

Everyone’s getting married. Wtf?

My oldest sister got married at 25. My other sister at 23. My parents at 22. According to my family’s record, I should be married by now. Or at least in six months. To be fair, I’m aware this is not the norm. But I’m meeting more and more people that are married and have been for several years by now, and it’s wigging me the fuck out. I am simultaneously terrified of losing my freedom and of ending up alone.

The Sex Factor

Here’s the deal, I think I could handle the whole being alone forever thing (or at least stomach it a little better) if it weren’t for sex. After I recently complained to a friend about my pathetic sex life, she said, “It sucks the first couple of months, but once you get over the hump, it doesn’t seem to be a big deal anymore.” Well guess what, I’m at like 8 months. And it’s still killing me. So this blog is going to be as much about getting some booty as getting some dates.

The First Challenge

Tomorrow (slash later today) I am going to a show. My challenge for myself is to come home with at least one guy’s phone number. This is my challenge, and I choose to accept it. You will know if I was successful. You’ll know.

Sit back and enjoy the ride

Welcome to my blog. Feel free to comment, or just to lurk, that’s cool too. Whatevs. But be prepared for a bumpy road ahead. I’m definitely fastening my seat belt.

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